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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "st. jimmy" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:32 am
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And the stars say, "Look into my eyes."
But I can't change if it's only in my mind
3 weeks until the LSAT. my test prep has been really useful, i am sure i will improve a lot. after that, i am seriously considering going to greece to teach english. i feel like i need to do something like that with my life, otherwise i might regret it.
most people are inevitably going to be a disappointment, so why have any expectations?
I am dreaming of a life and it's not the life that's mine...
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09:28 pm
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Well beauty's just another word I'm never certain how to spell...
So yesterday I saw The Weakerthans live, and it surpassed all my expectations. Suffice to say, it was most excellent. They played at Neumo's a smallish venue by broadway and east pike. I walked over on the ferry and got to pike place market a little after 5. I had delicious gelato and found about a thousand places I need to eat. Most were unfortunately closing down, so I had an asian steamed bun and started the trek to the concert. It wasn't that crowded until the guy right before the weakerthans played, and then the room became packed with people who all shared a common love for real music. People don't just show up at a weakerthans show. Its a band you see because you have fallen in love with their music. There aren't high school kids there because it is what is playing on the radio, or what is cool. The venue was small and simple. There was no flashy production to make the band seem better than they are, because they don't need it. It's their music that speaks straight from the heart that gets people to fall in love with it. The feeling in that room was almost tangible. You felt connected to everyone in their throughout the set. They opened up with Night Windows. They picked it up with Our Retired Explorer (Dines with Michel Foucalt in Paris, 1961). The energy and emotion of Aside, though, was what really brought everyone together. People were holding each other and swaying to and fro, all singing along. They continued with Tournament of Hearts. The set had a lot of my favorites, but perhaps the best performance of the night was Plea from a Cat Named Virtute. A longtime favorite of fans, it is amazing how John K. Sampson can get so many people to care about and become emotionally bonded to a cat made up for a song. As silly as it sounds, it is a very deep song that deals with death, loss, and change. Much of the album it comes from, Reconstruction Site, is in a similar vein, and many songs from that album made it on the set: Manifest, The Reasons, Our Retired Explorer, Plea from a Cat Named Virtute, I Hate Winnipeg, and Benediction. A few oldies from Fallow even made it on, namely Sounds Familiar and Confessions of a Futon Revolutionist. From Left & Leaving came Aside, Elegy for Elsabet, Left and Leaving, and Pamphleteer (as the closing song). From the New Album he played pretty much all of the very best songs: Civil Twillight, Relative Surplus Value, Tournament of Hearts, Night Windows, Sun in an Empty Room, Bigfoot!, and Utilities. It was a great night of music laden with meaning and talent.
About halfway through the concert I realized my phone died. Then I realized the concert was going later than I planned for walking over the ferry and it was entirely possible I might not make it. The concert ended at 12:45 am, and I knew there was a ferry around 1 am. I wasn't sure exactly how far I was from the ferry or how long it would take me, or even really the best way to get there. But that did not deter me. As soon as it was over, I knew I had to book it. So I effectively ran as fast as I could through the streets of Seattle at 1 am. Running past crazy Hobos, I barreled up a giant hill on broadway. I came to Madison, which I was pretty sure led back near the ferry. Somewhat disoriented I had to pick a direction in the dark. I could go downhill which would seem more logical, but I decided to barrel up the hill since it seemed to be the peak and would go down to the water from there. So I ran straight up and saw the I-5 overpass, a good sign. It was all downhill from there. Literally. And quite steep. I soon found that my element shoes were not intended for running at all, but that did not deter me. I ran as fast as I could down hill, stopping only when the intersection look dangerous. My legs were burning like battery acid, but I knew I was close, perhaps less than a mile now. If it were day, I know I would be able to see the water. I could not stop. I came to third street and could see the ferry. I picked up speed, now probably unsafe for running downhill. One slip and it would be the end. I hit second, and new I should go left for a block or two, and would be at the end of the block long foot ramp to the ferry dock. As I came to the intersection, my heart sank. I could see the ferry. Now moving. I continued to run and came to a stop outside the terminal. I walked it, it looked deserted. All I could see were janitors. Not a good sign. The windows at the booth all said not available. In one, I saw a worker. I approached the glass and looked longingly in at him. He noticed me and said something about being on break and to come back later. I sullenly turned back, unsure of what was next. As I made my way out, a worker was coming in, an older lady, who asked me if I needed a ticket. Was there another ferry? I asked. I thought the last one was at 1. On saturdays there is one at 2:10. Hallelujah. I would have to wait another hour, but at least I would not be stranded. I settled down on an uncomfortable wooden bench better suited for accommodating swine flu than people. About 20 minutes passed and THEY started to trickle in. A giant group of drunken Bro's and their stupid, overly fake blonde and tanned Ho's. Not being content merely to fail at their lives, they had to spread their misery to those around. In their drunken stupor they began to harass the few other stragglers in the terminal, and did not stop until a handful of cops showed up to monitor the situation. One of the few times I have seen a cop doing a service to the community. The ferry showed up about 15 minutes late, ending the terrible purgatory of being around a bunch of drunk kids. I tried to sleep to the slow thrum of the ferry's engines, but was without success. Finally I got back and walked the 1/3 or so mile to where the car was parked. On the drive home I saw a few State Patrol pull over what looked like an appropriate car for the drunken bro's and it made me smile. By now it was about 3:30 and realized I was parched. I stopped at Central Market, was the only customer in the store, and bough a liter of Orangina. I drank some and then finally made it to my bed. It was totally worth it.
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05:14 am
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cat heaven
in the dream that awakened me you had come and taken me to a sea of stars, the cat stood in the flowers two ears above. and the ground that was under me was holding me so wonderfully on a bed of leaves. you were there with me, we were free. everything we saw was beautiful and strong. and I knew we belonged. then the birds came and carried us to the sky and married us on a bed of stars where I was always yours, and you were mine. and in the long black eternity I loved you so perfectly in the words of clouds, like a bird sings to bis flowers. and I was hurt. and everything I saw was everything I'd want. and this world had just begun to live. don't wake me up. don't wake me up. don't wake me up. I can't wake up from this. everyone was forgiving, made hopeful, made living, made women tonight. so captain please consider me, let the boats deliver me. when I close my eyes, drive, captain, drive. it's time for everything to be perfect, for everything to stop hurting tonight. don't wake me up. don't wake me up. don't wake me up. don't wake me up.
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12:34 pm
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be a believer, believe everything: you'll be right half the time...
i feel guilty. i feel like every decision i have made is the wrong one and someone else always has to pay the consequences. the question is: do i stay the course, and not cause anymore damage, or try to set things right, even if its going to be painful for everyone involved?
who knows.
/end transmission
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10:42 pm
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ticket in one hand, gun in the other...
well i am almost ready to choose which school i am going to go to. I have narrowed it down to two main choices and have one more school i am kind of waiting on. so the situation is thus:
New England School of law in Boston and Hamline University in Minneapolis are my two main choices. I have scholarship offers at both and will pay about the same for tuition at each school. Boston is much more expensive to live in however and Hamline is a 4 year school with graduate housing and all the facilities associated with having a larger campus. Both schools are about the same academically. I am more interested in the study abroad programs at Hamline, but Boston has some pretty good externship opportunites (e.g. the world court and war tribunals). What is really drawing me to Hamline at the moment is that they have a dual degree option for a JD and MFA in creative writing, i think it is the only one in the country, and at the least it was the first to come up with it. writing is really important to me, and this is a good way for me to do two things i want to. the main drawback to hamline is that it is in minnesota. it might be a good place to live, i dont know i have never been there. i do know that boston is really sweet and would enjoy living there.
So i need to decide which is more important to me, and i really dont know how to decide. obviously boston is a much sweeter place to live, but i dont feel that should be the basis of my decision. it has strong points academically as well. so should i pursue writing as well, or hope for some pretty unique opportunities to possibly work at the world court or something while a law student? and cost-wise i would be in a lot less debt at minneapolis because of living expenses, and that is an important factor as well.
So any thoughts an input are appreciated. what is important to you in these kinds of decisions?
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03:38 pm
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mid-day anonymous
what will you do now, with no one to go to?
kind of a mixed bag of thoughts. as far as law school goes, if i am gonna go this year it will not be in washington. so i either have to decide i want to go enough to go somewhere else. i have been accepted to some pretty good other schools. i think i will wait until i hear from the schools in DC before making any final decision, but at the moment i think my most likely choices are either on boston or san fran. i think life would have been simpler if i had gotten into UW, but maybe it is not meant to be. other options include running away to sea to be a norwegian whaler, teaching english abroad, joining the coast guard, selling a screenplay, and taking the foreign service entrance exam. any other ideas?
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12:12 am
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sea anemone
the curtain's a sea anemone in the way it sways to the slow breeze. i lie spread out on the floor looking at these things, most of them are yours. and it's so nice sitting very still without those old shoes i could never fill.
starfish with its arms out in a daze staring at the stars through an ocean haze. was i one you wished upon? burned out like a light bulb when you turned me on.
and it's so nice sleeping here all alone with my ash tray, white courtesy telephone.
now i'm making out the shapes, like the shower rod: can it take my weight?
i will tell you i am fine. i've got some news friend, feels like i'm dying.
turtle on its back in the desert sea. and you look like a cool drink just slightly out of reach. draw myself into the shell, waiting on a sign from god or a nod from hell.
and it's so nice sitting very still without those old shoes i could never fill.
now we're turning on the lights. it's the first day of my second life.
take my name off of the lease. you can even keep the name, it never suited me...
-jtb
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01:01 am
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my sign is vital, my hands are cold
pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good, give my regards to sullen romance. they always did the best they could. and so long to devotion, you taught me everything i know. wave goodbye. wish me well. you gotta let me go...
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01:05 pm
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this is a fire door, never leave open...
"somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving. somewhere someone says "i'm sorry." someone's making plans to stay. so tell me its okay. tell me anything or..."
well i am all applied to UW law school, and sometime before april 1 i will know if i am excepted or not. i am applying to a lot of random other schools just in case. i am mostly read to leave this stupid town. i used to think there was gonna be some reason i came here, that maybe i was supposed to. now i am not so sure. i feel i have gotten a decent education, and i can think of a handful of people i am fortunate to have met. but otherwise, it hasn't been a really positive experience. i feel like the most important thing i have learned is to trust no one. that sounds pretty cynical, but it's true. everything people tell you they value in you is a lie. if you try to be understand, if you are nice to people, they abuse you for it. people just want to take advantage of you for all you are worth and then move on. the world is not a pretty place.
"and the righteous few will spit on you."
you may tell me this isn't true. but i make my judgements based on your actions. it's a special feeling, to feel worthless. you should try it sometime. most people just want to be your friend for selfish reasons. maybe they are vain. or or want to feel better about themselves. or not feel guilty about what they did.
there is a film called "the color red." its a french film, part of a trio, each film is kind of about the colors of the french flag and what the colors mean. red is for fraternity. it the beginning, a young woman hits a dog and brings it back to the owner, an old judge. he tells her similar things that i am saying, that people are inherently selfish and even cruel. she protests and says she brought him back his dog. he replies by asking why she did it. he points out that she did it so that she would not feel bad or guilty about it, she stopped for what are really selfish reasons. she didn't do it for the dog, she did it for herself.
i think this is how people generally work. call me cynical, call me pessimistic, but chances are that at some point you are just like the young lady hitting the dog and just want to feel good about yourself. i think its realistic. there are a few good people out there, but they are becoming a rarity.
"jerusalem has no need of a perfect knight."
i don't know, i think i am just tired of wasting time with people who don't really care. and its really easy to tell when someone really cares.
"i still hear trains at night. when the wind is right i remember everything..."
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02:00 pm
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RIght Ahead, Young Sailor!
Oh sweet Anna did you mean to do this to me?
I've been trying hard to be rational.
What a woman, what a woe that you give to me.
How long can I count to a thousand?
I've tried drinking but the bottle is still empty.
I can only hope for a fresh one
You tried loving, but I guess you could not love me.
How long can you count to a thousand?
Well I could be a bigger man, bigger man.
Hey, I could be a bigger man, bigger man,
But I just want to kill a man, kill a man.
Really what's a bigger man?
Oh young sailor, do you see what your captain sees?
Love is nothing more than an action.
What an ocean, what a world on the big blue seas.
You can change it all if you want to.
My good leader, what a self-loving web you weave.
I have got a son and a daughter.
My young sailor what a point that you just can't see.
Don't you think that they need a father?
So pull yourself together man, smaller man.
Do it for your bigger man, bigger man.
How easy it would be if we could see the plan.
Really, what's a plan?
so i got this album, the bitter end by right away, great captain. its real good, the album is a story about a man in the 1600s who goes out to see and the songs are journal entries, letters to his wife, and conversations with his captain. i highly recommend it.
/end transmission
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12:01 pm
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good french collaborator, we heard you make great waiters...
two finals today, two finals tomorrow, and its all over. i am seriously considering only taking 2-6 credits next semester, and spending a lot of time on my screenplay and some other projects. been listening to a lot of saves the day recently, especially the album 'in reverie' which i really like even though apparently it isnt too well liked or something.
"a whisper is my dearest friend."
i'm ready to go home for christmas. i don't usually miss home, but i need to get out of here. it's weird, it doesn't even feel like finals or anything. everything just goes numb. is it weird its been a month since my birthday? funny how fast a month can go. prognostication is definitely not my strong suit. c'est la vie.
/end transmission
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03:30 pm
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Your Gravest Words
I haven't really been able to eat for days. I just don't want to, it makes me feel sick. It really shouldn't. I am stronger than this. That's the catch-22 though. I am powerless. I think that is what I am struggling with the most. Knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do. If I could raise the seas, or the dead, it still wouldn't matter. It's interesting though, how we all have that power. No one can change what we think or how you react. That power is always yours. Someone may have every other imaginable power over you, they may be able injure, insult, or even kill you, but they can never take that away from you. I think I read about this in "Man's Search for Meaning." This is what Victor Frankl was talking about. How do you survive, how do you press on when you are suffering? I think you have to accept that you will suffer and you will be powerless, except you always have the power in how you think and react.
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
It doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, but at least you can find meaning in it. How we react to unavoidable suffering lets us find meaning in life. We all suffer in our own ways. What might seem trite to one person may be the greatest moment of pain for another.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
This is where we find the meaning, in how we respond. This is the comfort, the power you can never be denied.
"It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."
So i really think this is the key to it all. People may hurt us, really bad and undeservedly. You may have never done anything to hurt them, or even only cared for and adored them. You have no power over how they will feel, you cannot change that. They won't care how you feel and will cause you to suffer. They may even blame you and try to make you feel bad for it. The only comfort lies in knowing they cannot change how you choose to respond to it. You can choose to never trust again. Or choose to forgive. To give up. To press on. To turn away. To hide. To stand up strong. To scorn them. To continue to love them. To hope they will realize their mistakes and change. They cannot change what you choose to do anymore than you can change them. So choose to live your life in a way that answer's life challenges. Time to keep going and to hope for the best, but be prepared to deal with the worst. That said, I think The Lawrence Arms really nailed this process in the head and as always have a way of saying what I feel:
"All these words trip over cracks in the sidewalks. Uptown, one year, I'm distantly distressed. I'm finally coming close to ghost. I'm dancing on your gravest words. I'm toasting all the coldest stares, all the loneliest of eyes.
I am a satellite, never getting signals right. You are a constellation. I can barely make you out tonight. The city lights are burning too bright.
I cut and paste these sections of maps into my days. Sunspots, almost feverish. Can you feel me shivering?
I'm finally breaking out of orbit.
I'm clinging to your finest words.
I'm draining all the angry glares, all thats building up inside..."
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12:25 pm
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drinking in the afternoon
drinking in the afternoon
this is what it’s driven to
is there anything else to do
i could’ve sworn it’s three a.m.
it’s quiet in the room again
this is where the story ends
time for me to act my age
i’ve got nothing if i’m not the rage
like that would matter anyway
i just don’t think you understand
i just don’t think you understand
a story needs a scene to end
but it’s hard to say goodbye
at least we got to have this time
drinking in the afternoon
the loneliest hotel room
i hope the answer comes to you
this is not the way for me
this is not my last defeat
try to make the ends meet
but it’s hard to say goodbye
at least we got to have this time...
thank you the new amsterdams.
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09:02 am
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like it or not
"i'll tell you anything, but not the truth."
this weekend has been pretty awful.
"no its true. there's never been a knife that cuts me half as deep as you and wide for you despite the dreams that others grew."
i don't know what to say. i don't want to go to school. or do anything.
"But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
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04:15 pm
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lsat
long day of testing. at least i don't feel sick anymore. my jaw really hurts, i think i was clenching it in my sleep from the stress. one more research paper and two more books to bind before finals. my brain must be bleeding, i cant concentrate right now, think i am gonna lie down and watch arrested development.
/end transmission
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11:28 am
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you're future's a machine with the mechanics of a dream
and it's your mind that spins the wheel and your heart that makes you feel all the guilt for all your sins...
so much to do this week it isn't even funny. and the lsat saturday. not looking forward to that.
can't go too fast, but also not too slow.
this part of the day bewilders me.
semester as almost over. how weird is that. the last month has been really good though.
"but you had to know that i was fond of you. fond of Y-O-U"
the shins rock the party.
/end transmission
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10:21 pm
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memories don't go away, i remember every day...
so my birthday was really good. Of Montreal puts on such an awesome show, i can't even describe my feelings. very few nights have made me as happy as last night. life is really busy and is taking a lot of hard work right now, but at least i am happier than i have been in while. i realize i don't really have too much control over how things work out, so i will just try my hardest and be happy with what i got. i feel i should do a better job at keeping some sort of actual record of my life, be a little less obscure.
so right now i am working on my screenplay, because i am gonna make it a reality. it's actually amazing how many other ideas for other projects have been coming to me and it's really exciting, i could do this and be happy doing this, but i have to be willing to work really hard for it.
i've had enough resolutions, it is time for some solutions. perhaps i have been reading too much quintus horatius flaccus, but i feel right now he was onto something when he said CARPE DIEM. most people know it has "seize the day" but the meaning is not quite so simple. CARPE has the idea of plucking or harvesting, for whatever that is worth. you really have to steal every moment and make it worth saving, it only comes once. sure there will be hard times and sad times, but i might as well enjoy those as well. they can help me remember how it feels to be alive, remember how fortunate i am. find strength in sorrow and suffering. feel the lows and enjoy the highs. i realize this is easier said then done, but i think it is totally worth it. make every moment meaningful somehow, find something to enjoy or learn from. challenge yourself as often as possible. don't be content with being good, aim for great. embrace ambition and untapped potential. have faith in yourself. don't expect everything you want to happen, but be able to turn around at the end and say i did all that i could and be content with your choices. stick to what you believe. believe in yourself. i guess i call this a jaded optimism. it isn't blind naivety, it is a realistic recognition of a lack of control with an attempt at personal transcendence.
well this isn't really characteristic of my usual posts, but i think it is a good direction for me. well back to writing and will probably watch a good movie later and not care about getting enough sleep.
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10:23 pm
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dear lost friends
dear lost friends,
i guess 22 is just around the corner, feels a little weird, and i want to say something.
looks like i am trying to get into law school. the applications and lsat prep add a little more stress than i would like to the normal pressures of school. at least after dec 6 it is out of my hands.
its weird to look back over the last 5 years and see how different everything ends up being from what you expected. so what is the next five years gonna bring? i don't know, i think all i can do is be happy where i am at.
as it stands i feel content, even happy. especially over the last few weeks. i guess there could be a specific reason, but who can say...
of montreal is monday on my birthday as well. way excited for that. and this is probably the last real week of school, since then it is thanksgiving and after that it is getting ready for finals. this last year is really breezing by, and i'm not sure i am ready for that. it seems like once your life falls into some sort of order, it is just about the end. i think my main goal this year is to finish my screenplay, i really think it has a chance.
i guess it wouldn't be me if i didn't quote some song i listen to entirely too much to approximate my feelings. so right now it is...
steal this moment, make it worth saving.
for those of you still here, i thank all my friends who have helped me so much. i don't think i let you know who you are enough, but i guess that is how it is sometimes.
/end transmission
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08:16 pm
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don't forget to never remember...
so i am taking the lsat dec 6. and before then i am going to finish the applications for UW and George Washington law schools. already applied for graduation. gotta spend a lot of november studying for the lsat, getting letters of rec, transcipts, and so on, etc.
still working out, going strong. last bench max was 246, goal is 300 by xmas.
got final draft pro, starting working on my first screenplay project. all hush hush now though, hope to finish by graduation with that.
can never seem to get a hold of the people i want to. apparently the bachelors life is gonna be the life for me.
i'm a footnote in your sentence...
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07:53 pm
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godspeed all the bakers at dawn
may they all cut their thumbs, and bleed into their buns.
got a little more sickish today, not fun. added post sound class 2nd block, so i shouldnt have scholarship problems anymore.
my eyes really hurt. like i feel i am not resting at all when i sleep. maybe i am tyler durden.
gotta get ready for the career fair wednesday. life is kicking into real gear.
you're so cute when you're slurring your speech.
/end transmission
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